just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
