He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
