Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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