You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
