i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
