i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
