I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
