i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Drake has all the answers
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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