Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Why is there bacon in the couch?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
