are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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