It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
