My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
