Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
