Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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