Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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