My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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