Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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