I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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