I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
