I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
we should paint friendship bongs
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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