so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
