What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
