you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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