it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize