Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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