are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
