Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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