people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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