Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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