glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize