You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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