wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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