I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
