Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Randomize
