eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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