Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
