There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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