Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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