Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
where does the pee come out of this thing
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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