i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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