Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
