Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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