His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
