Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
