I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
