theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
we made out on top of his cat.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize