Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
