Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
What drink are we having for lunch?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Randomize
