If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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