Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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