You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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