just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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