Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I think my vagina is haunted
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
