dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
