You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
