Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize