Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Randomize
