the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i will never coherently bang her
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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