At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
