ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
