Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
