he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
